I received more confirmation emails from PA schools today, including a surprising supplemental invitation from a joint MSPAS/MPH program I thought there was no chance I would make the first cut. It's a flattering thought but a part of me wonders if it isn't just an opportunity to have them earn $50 off of me. I may be pessimistic but I'm trying to take a hard look at what my chances are. A phone call to their admissions office could clear up any misgivings, but all they provide is an email. It's somewhat challenging to dress up 'Are you sure?' in an email. Maybe I should just save the money?

I've also purchased a book that gives advice on how to handle interviews. I thought preparation would instill confidence in me but it's also given me a generous dose of apprehension. I need to get my head in the game and stay focused. Maybe I'm shirking my duties because I'm afraid if I give it my all and still fail, I'll believe that my personal best isn't good enough. Intellectually, I know thoughts like this serve no one. The trick is convincing yourself that you have the potential to accomplish anything. That is what all those self-help books are trying to promote, right? I don't need a textbook to tell me how to be happy with myself, but having a pep-talk coach on hand seems awfully nice.

Speaking of happy, I read a writer's winning essay on how to find happiness. Her opinion was all about learning to be present.

It's not a new concept but when I read it, it sounded like something I would've liked my own pep-talk coach to tell me. A lot of what she wrote really resonated with me and while I can't say I identify with her whole process, the point she was getting at seemed like the perspective I wanted to have. I had asked the question multiple times in my past posts. Not as eloquently, granted, but I had hung my expectations on the belief that when I secured a graduate school, I would be happy.
I think I would be happy. But that one instance of acceptance couldn't carry me for the rest of my life. Obviously, I would find satisfaction and contentment in what I was doing. If I truly believed that, then I shouldn't be so obsessed with the idea that an acceptance letter would be the key to unlimited happiness, right? I wrote before that I expected more of myself. That I'm not where I thought I would be has caused me to doubt myself. Even though I have made strides in improving myself as a person and as an applicant, I haven't loosened the uncertainty that took root in my mind. I am crippled by the thought that I am not good enough. And it's manifested in avoiding reading the advice book about interviews, in handling curious questions about what I'm doing right now, and it's just tiring.

Here's what I want: I want to get into PA school and I want to serve people and know that I am doing what I can. I want to be excited when I think about opening my inbox containing emails for interviews. I want to be content with the knowledge that my personal best is good enough. In lieu of anxiously waiting, I want to be happy. And after ruminating on what that writer put forth, I think I can be, if I try. She was right about one thing for sure. Happiness is a state of being, something dynamic. That means I need to work for it everyday and be comfortable with the fact that it's not static but ever-changing.