I had a scintillating conversation with my roommate the other day about relationships and the big 'M' word (marriage). I've had a similar conversation with many people and there seems to be a great divide about if or when this should be brought up in a conversation between two people who are dating. I've tried to phrase the possible motives for choosing to talk about it and not choosing to talk about it (but I think I ended up rambling. Definitely food for thought later.).

Not bringing it up
Dating someone should be enjoyable, right? You're just enjoying being with that person, growing as a person with them. You just don't feel like you're ready for marriage, much less contemplating marriage with that person. You care for each other, isn't that enough? Marriage is a distant concept. Maybe it will happen, maybe it won't. Don't think about it and enjoy what you have now.

What I see with this is the lack of a goal. You're dating someone for a year, two years, three years, etc. and you've invested time and emotion—but for what? If you don't want to breach the subject of staying together in the future, then what do you really care about the person anyway? You want to focus on your career, personal goals, why does choosing that mean refusing to imagine that significant other in the picture? Is it because goals might not pan out? Or is it simply because you don't know if you'll still love that person ten years from now?

"You just want to have fun," what does that mean? People just want to enjoy the feeling of getting cared for or caring for the other person? Do they want to shower them with affection or have someone to lean on when they're going through a rough time. Do people want all of that but not a serious relationship because that just demands more than people are willing to give?

You don't want to settle down. But saying you're serious in a relationship shouldn't mean you're "settling down," it means you're taking the other person's feelings seriously. It means you're willing to consider something beyond dates.

Bringing it up
You're beginning to think more and more about how compatible you are with that person. Bringing up a serious commitment like marriage is just another way of saying, you hope this relationship lasts for a long time. More often than not, bringing up the 'will we still be together ten years from now' is fraught with qualifiers. I'm not saying I'm getting married to you, if we did get married, etc.

It's difficult saying that you're dating with the hopes of marriage as a result. No one wants to say that because it means you're tying yourself down to one person! Why should you have to commit to something, even the hint of such a weighty thought, when you're still wondering if you will be able to love or live with that person?

What if you argue? What if you disagree? I've heard this question many times. And my answer, as it has always been, is this: so what? People argue. People disagree. You do it the most with the people you're closest with so deal with it. If you're going to constantly question the worth of a relationship simply because you've argued, then maybe you should wonder why you're searching so desperately for a reason why the relationship you have won't work.

Conclusion
I think couples should work towards the long goal as a possibility. You don't know if you'll marry your significant other but you should still be able to consider it. If you find yourself balking at the phrase, despite telling yourself that you're not committing, just considering—maybe you should take a second look at your relationship and see if there's anything there worth keeping.