Ernest Hemingway once said that his aim was to put down on paper what he saw and what he felt in the best and simplest way. This is my post attempting to explain how the past months to the present day have been for me. I hope I can do Hemingway proud.

Earlier this year, I applied to both PA schools and accelerated programs in nursing schools. At the time, I was feeling down on my luck, hopeless, and entirely scared of how uncertain my future looked. I re-took classes to boost my GPA and I searched for a health care/science-related job that would keep me busy. While the former was a success (got a solid 4.0), I soon learned that a dearth of experience was a huge handicap. At the same time, I had also been keeping up correspondence with current and prospective PA students. A specific theme slowly emerged out of all the dialogue: hours. Not shadowing or volunteering, though that is good, but hours upon hours of paid patient care experience. Those who succeeded told me at least 1000 hours were accumulated under their belts by the time of their application. And the re-applicants have easily hit four figures in health care experience! Cue the renewed feelings of hopelessness and anguish!

But by some stroke of luck, I landed a job as an ER medical scribe. A steady, full-time job with health care coverage if I need it. A door had swung open when I was truly beginning to despair. There was something else. Accepting the job also meant accepting the reality that I would need to re-apply to PA schools. There's still a shred of possibility, but with it being December without a peep from admissions, I have to acknowledge my stacking odds. And that is okay. (I cannot emphasize how much time it took to say that that's okay!)

So the hard part is over right? Well, there are recent events that have given me pause. Remember my mention of applying to nursing schools? When I sent those applications (and despite the stellar grades and nursing exams scores), I had convinced myself that it would also result in failure. I was wrong. I have admission offers from those nursing accelerated programs. Ergo, the pause. I had decided to pursue a career as a PA after many soul-searching discussions about medical school. But now I have these neat little letters telling me that the search is over...and yet I'm not entirely jumping for joy.

I don't know if any or all of my reaction is selfish. To turn away from this seemingly easy route and pursue PA school, especially when I have no guarantee of success when I re-apply. I am so happy to be accepted to something. It's healed some of the heartbreak from this whole journey. (It's important to note that Ben, from the very beginning, was adamant that I would have acceptances lined up from nursing schools. My skewed perceptions were accomplishing nothing but shredding my self-esteem. You were right!)

I believe those perceptions also influenced my hastiness in applying to two separate careers without really considering what that would mean for later. And now I have this serious dilemma to consider. I don't believe these are decisions to be made lightly. I have to think long and hard about what it will mean to accept or turn down one of these nursing school offers.

I also have to have faith in my decision to pursue PA school (with hopefully some staunch supporters still behind me). I know that only I can make this decision for myself. I know that whatever I choose, I will not realize the full consequences until later in life. I just hope that I can come to a decision with minimal stress and lots of contentment.