The Fall semester is basically over by the end of the week. If my finals turn out okay, I should have straight As. I've got one more semester to go before I work on sending out applications. I've been meaning to contact Tin about some questions with the application process but I've held off until I'm done with exams. Triet assured me he wouldn't be bothered so I'm glad that avenue is available to me.

It's been hard trying to stay focused on studying because right now, misgivings about the future are beginning to plague me again. I miss my friends at Ft. Worth and I'm super bummed I missed out on all the hang outs. One of my friends has now abandoned her second attempt to medical school to try her hand at podiatry school. Another friend gave it another go and was able to pre-match into TCOM. Of course he's over the moon and I'm really happy that he got in. I had to assure him over and over that I would apply to PA school there too. Maybe the old group can be reunited somehow. It seems like a nice thought but it always gets drowned out by doubts.

Although I have a back-up plan if things fall through, I'm still not warming up to the idea. What will I do if I sign up for something that I know I'll be miserable in? I suppose a lack of career with no conceivable way of paying debt should be more than enough to assure me that a back-up plan is better than nothing. I hope more than anything that I find myself getting into something once all my applications are sent out. As stressful as it was, being in graduate school felt like I was doing something. Granted, I'm taking classes now but the material isn't what I want to be tackling. As cheesy as it sounds, I want to be challenged with new material. (Perhaps I'll regret those words if/when I get into a program).

I have three finals tomorrow and one on Thursday. After that, my winter break begins. There's going to be a lot of fun but I really want to sit down and research schools outside of Texas. I've spoken with Ben about the likelihood of such things happening and though not the best of outcomes, he believes that two years will not be long at all. At any other time I would be cheered at his optimism, but I'm still too busy fretting about getting in anywhere. I think I've become a master worrier.

I've been on a roll with these lighthearted posts. Actually, I was planning on posting about some recent purchases. But as soon as I started typing, the subject went in a different direction and I realized that this is what I want to write about most. Going through all of these situations, ranging from hope and bitter disappointment, I can't seem to find the solid ground I need to convince myself that there is merit in this new attempt. 'At least I'm trying' doesn't pack the same punch as it used to. If I could chalk this up to early afternoon blues, I would. But I find myself getting drawn into this line of thinking every time I have a quiet moment. I can only keep my mind so busy before I sit there, dumbfounded, and wonder if I am as stagnant as my mother said.

The battle, I'm finding, is more than just these classes; it's always been my own thoughts. And I'm still on the search for a way to just quiet these thoughts.