As I'm sitting in Starbucks, contemplating the pages of my review book for the new GRE, nursing the $1.28 pink lime frappuccino (it's half off until Sunday), and twirling a pencil in my finger, it dawns on me that I am struggling. Not so much with the material (or maybe a little bit, I've got a bit of rust on me) but with the fact that I'm starting over again in a new direction. I think my previous posts are evidence enough of a more positive turn to my outlook, but I never guaranteed that would be a permanent state of mind. It's scary, isn't it? Trying out something new when the previous plan has failed. Technically, this isn't even a new situation to me as earning this Masters wasn't exactly part of the original plan. But here I am.

I don't know how accurate the term 'tired' is about how I feel at the end of this long year, but it's one of the adjectives that come to mind. I said before I needed to rest but I'm also restless. One of the things I've done to alleviate some of that restlessness was to do some research in part-time jobs with benefits.

I've set my eye on ScribeAmerica for a part-time job while I take microbio at UH. From what I understand, the pay is decent (between $8-16) and the hours I put in count towards my clinicals when I actually become a PA student. If I succeed in choosing the right track, I would be expected to work twice a week every month until classes start at whatever PA school I get in to (hopefully Galveston!!!). A nice bonus is that there are scholarships available to pay for PA school (I definitely want to aim for that!). Now that I'm officially done with schooling, the money issue has become a little more pronounced in my mind. Money from FAFSA isn't unlimited and it's about time I earn money with my own hands. I've never had a job before so everything still feels a little new but I believe I can adapt.

While I feel a little more balanced thinking about the plans I've set for myself, a part of me still wonders about any residual emotions leftover from the past year. Disappointment, discouragement, and worry have all been unwelcome companions in my effort to take another stab at medical school and finishing up my Masters. If I can be honest, I was feeling down as often as I was feeling up. But now that the classes are coming to a close, I'm left with my thoughts. It helps to focus on the goals but I'm not always successful in that. Do these things become easier over time? I guess the only course left is to see if it does by going through it myself.

However this may come across: I'm no longer a child. But I don't completely feel like an adult either. I don't suppose people wake up one day and say they're an adult now. I know there are things I can do today that I wasn't able to two years ago.

I'm Guia P., M.S. now.

Maybe I should rethink the previous statement. I am an adult. It's time to give myself more credit in that area and assert myself as one. Maybe in the act of doing so, I can finally stop wondering when I'll feel like an adult because I'll be doing it. Whatever that means.