I've come back for the same exam from last year, but going into it, I've got a completely new mentality. I don't know how much mindset really affects performance, but if a positive one works, then I'm all for that. I don't know what the test is going to be like tomorrow, but I do know that I'm familiar with most of the material it can cover. And that has to count for something, doesn't it? I've heard many different takes about how I should approach this new-old hurdle:

'Let go of all your worries, just take it.'

'It's like fighting for your life, and then when it's over, take a deep breath and relax.'

'Pray to the Holy Spirit. You'll do better this time.'

'Don't be afraid. Don't be anxious. Just relax.'

All of these words have been helpful in their own way; they're all true and I think I've taken them to heart. The heartache of last year still lingers but it's given me a new perspective on how to approach things that seem too difficult to overcome. I have grown in that respect, although I still think I need a lot more maturing to do (maybe the epidemiology or the histology or heck, the anatomy is going to take care of that too). I want tomorrow to go well. I want to go in feeling ready. I feel ready now. (So I hope I wake up feeling ready too). I want to make each question count and when I walk out later that evening, I want to feel like I gave as good as I got.

I'm feeling a little introspective at the moment. One of the biggest things I grappled with all of last year was uncertainty. Uncertainty about waiting to hear back from a school, uncertainty about what to do at the end of graduation, even uncertainty about how I should feel about myself. As many are prone to do when they feel like they've failed, I seriously doubted my capabilities. I berated myself for not seriously considering my actions in life, which have led me down this path. For a long time, I felt as if I've been stumbling through phases in my life with a map full of confusing destinations. I didn't have a good enough reason for why I chose this or didn't choose that.

Some people say individuals do some soul-searching in college. I think I did some of that in my final year. Well, after coming from that and being catapulted into this post-bac premedical program, I've been given a chance to finish a good chunk of that soul-searching. I've been able to sit down, pen down my thoughts and ambitions. It feels late, but it also feels right. Maybe it's not following the time schedule I had hoped for, but if this new plan works out, then it's the right time schedule for me.

This coming Fall semester, and the equally formidable Spring semester, will try me. I may have moments of doubt or worry. But I'm not a stranger to those, and I'm better prepared for it. I can dream and I can hope. Maybe as I walk down the auditorium wearing graduate robes, I'll be headed to a future where I'll be donning a pair of white ones instead.

Cheers to that.