I always wondered if I would be able to return here and write my thoughts down without any obstacles in the way. When I first began this, it seemed I had an endless fountain of words to write down. Compared to what I have going in life these days, it seems contrary to have a scarcity of words now. Somewhere along the way, I became apprehensive of the words I wrote down—whether I wrote here or in a largely empty notebook I have set aside to jot down errant thoughts. A large portion has to deal with my own work, patient encounters and stress/anxieties from the job itself. It felt like putting those thoughts on paper, in addition to talking endlessly about my woes with co-workers and spouse, would permanently anchor me in a somber mood. I did not want to do that! So much of my time seemed to be taken up by work that I had even less reason to return here, even to write about our frequent travels. My instagram at this point has been more of a photo blog than anything else I have.

But I have returned now. It's nearing midnight. I've been with this private hospitalist group now for nearly 6 years. Our last trip was to Hawaii for a babymoon. And said baby decided to arrive a month early (!) so I am currently almost 2 weeks into an unscheduled maternity leave. I have been covering the nights (around 6 PM-7 AM) while Ben works the last couple shifts before his paternity leave kicks in. For the most part, my mood has been good. Fatigue has been a constant companion. There were plenty of stressed tears in the first week after bringing baby home but that has lessened considerably. Parents helped the first week, now father-in-law is pitching in. Nowadays, Ben likes to check-in on my mood. It's tough to define, some nights I feel fine, but tonight I felt more sad than usual. It's lonely at night. 

I tried cleaning up a bit during one of his naps but the amount of cobwebs I'm finding is both sickening and disheartening... will need to remind Ben to call pest control in the morning! Until then, I will try to keep the creepy crawly feelings at bay!